I'm a Mom.

This is just a compilation of my feelings and thoughts over the past couple of weeks.  There's no real structure to this.  Just chalk it up to the ramblings of a sleep deprived new mother.  Alright, here goes. 


I was not so naive as to believe that my life wasn't going to change once I had my son.  But I can honestly say that I did not expect the onslaught of emotions that accompanied his arrival.  The joy and love I felt? Sure. But feeling sick with worry and lack of sleep just to make sure he was breathing? Not so much.  And it wasn't just that.  There was the fear of how I was going to still provide for him financially. The crippling thought that I wasn't going to be able to care for him and be what he needed.  I dreaded the moment our family returned to their everyday lives and left me alone to care for this fragile person. I'm not qualified, ill-informed and too selfish to be a parent.
I had tried so hard to squash those fears before I gave birth.  I received wonderful words of encouragement and comfort from friends and family. But when I woke up the day that we were to be dismissed from the hospital, reality hit me.  This was happening. Beyond those sliding glass doors awaited my new life as a parent.  A permanent role and title.  His life now lay in my hands and there was no going back.  My fear came back 10 fold and with reinforcements.
But even with all that I lack, I love him more than anything. More than I thought was possible.  More than myself.  So I go without sleep, without a shower, and tough out the pain of recovery because there's nothing I wouldn't do for him. His needs come before mine.  I found that its that love that helps drive me to do my best. Because he deserves my best.  Technically, he is my best.
He's perfect. I've made so many mistakes that it seemed improbable that I could be capable of creating anything so pure.  And yet, here he is. He is without blemish or flaw. He's my miracle and embodiment of faith.
I never felt more human than on Daniels second night of being at home. That whole day the emotions were building up until finally I broke.  I crumbled under the weight of my vulnerability.  I realized that in his tiny little hands, this beautiful baby boy held my world.  I believe myself to be a fairly cautious person.  I don't give many people the opportunity to hurt me.  I don't like handing over any portion of control. So that night as I lay in bed, I felt small and helpless.  I felt weak.  If anything happened to Daniel, that would be the end of me.  Yet another thought that terrifies me.  


So that's were I stand right now.  And really to sum it all up, I'm afraid of failing.  And for me, failure means the end of my whole world.  But I'm trying to enjoy the ride which is easier to do during the day when I can occupy my mind with work or pointless tv.  
On a happier note, you really ought to see this kid.  He's pretty much amazing.